not so much a christmas fever as.

This is my first christmas away from any sort of long standing, established home. I wanted to say my first christmas alone, but it isn't exactly right; my folks have come to visit me and brought my dog to stay permanently. It is still all off center. It is my first christmas in a while not spending the weekend being irritated at mike's unwillingness to go bar hopping, and subsequently my first christmas not spending the rest of the eve and following day bar hopping instead, or more appropriately, only with martin. the friends i have here that i would spend time with for christmas are back in the town we all left behind.

this isn't a bad christmas. ultimately it is just any other day, but with less food options available and less aimless pedestrians on the street, but since we all seem directed into this need to have christmas be meaningful or something (be that something nothing or not) that it makes this particular one just feel odd. i am not in jolly spirits, but nor am i ever really, so nothing is up there. it is perhaps just some longing for a past that is no longer able to reached. lost loves we can't see in the same light ever again, or our scattered groupings of friends that we have been so remarkably close to and yet now don't say hi once a year.

i miss tempe in random strange moments. in the street signs downtown that i can barely read until i'm on top of them. of knowing that the gang is at casey's or the pv and that i am only minutes away from them at any given time. there are many gangs here, but none of them are mine. it is just time and patience and blah blah blah but being patient and trying doesn't make the waiting much easier. it simply makes it more obvious.

there is a grand pointlessness that seems pervasive throughout most of these posts. i don't really have my writing together yet. it, much like the rest of me, is still slightly askew.

a few mornings ago, taking a shower, i started thinking of the first few lines of a poem. it didn't go far, but it's the first time in a while something just jumped into my head and demanded attention. it is a morsel of hope, but i suppose that is all i have been asking for.

merry christmas.