a busy schedule.

so i didn't get that job and ok. old news. but right now my job.

it's easy to fall into that "well at least i get a check" response and at least money is coming in and at least it's a step in the right direction. i don't know. today i spent 8 hours pulling labels off of books so we could return them to publishers. two days ago i spent 8 hours putting labels onto books to place in our stores. don't get me wrong. it's an easy job, i'm not restricted by much of a schedule; i can take breaks and lunch whenever. i have a quota to meet but a monkey missing an arm could meet the quota. it's just too brainless (forgive me, monkeys. i don't mean to imply you're not smart). i feel as if i am reasonably intelligent but any hope for this being developed by means of constant use and challenging projects is quickly evaporating.

i interviewed for a new position in the same company but i don't feel like it went well. my confidence was a little shot by the fact that my last interview went so well and i didn't get the job, and on top of this after emailing the people about what i could do to improve myself so that i'd have a better chance next time, i never got a response. this after they ended our conversation with "we really encourage you to apply again next time" right. making matters worse is the room we were sitting in for the interview. they sat facing the sun and, understandably, squinting as a result of this. it's hard to read a squinting person. in a panic i told some ridiculous anecdote about book buying and then afterwards felt like an asshole. i normally feel like i interview well. i am a bit awkward and sometimes some question will just throw me off for no real reason.

i interpret things abstractly and that's an issue for me. it always has been. i hear a sentence and the meaning i take from whatever is being said is so far removed from what the point is, but somehow it feels justified to me thinking i have the real meaning. so sometimes when i hear a question i think one thing is being asked when it's not being asked at all. maybe i just try to rush through my answers.

and i'm spending too much money. and this next job if i even get it, i assume isn't a pay raise. lateral moves are nice but don't do much in terms of income. maybe i need to start a second job.

maybe i just need to start really writing. doing something with that. something is starting to yearn for that creative outlet again, and it's about time.

contrary to this post, things are actually really good right now. i'm a bit panicked about a few things, but i'm always panicked about a few things. this is just the life i lead.

more about good things some other time. this is my vent.