I don't know, a machete I guess.

Okay I got the job this time. Yay great. I don't think it is paying anymore but it is a step in the right direction, if a longer step. But these things take time, yadda yadda.

More importantly, let's talk about a genuine concern I am having right now. A concern that manifests itself directly outside of my home. But first, there is the trouble of the home itself. Demonstrated:

We have no heat. Well, I guess last night that was fixed supposedly and our radiator should be working fine but aside from a strange dull glow of warmth as I place my hand firmly upon the metal, nothing really seems to be happening. The heaters in our room are very ornate and beautiful (though in need of a good polishing, how do you "re-finish" metal anyway?), but of absolutely no practical use. Thus, it is constantly cold everywhere. I have a space heater (which for the first two months I thought was a radio. haha whatever), but turning it on runs the risk of problem number two.

Our power goes out constantly. You cannot have many things plugged in and functioning on the second floor at once. If you do the wire cuts or the breaker goes off or the electricity plummets or whatever god damned term you use when too many things drain power and all of a sudden it feels like you have entered the very real set of some horror film (except it happens all the time so it loses its allure very quickly). There was a three week period when an additional party was staying in our abode that the power went out six times in one hour. This is ridiculous. In order to turn the power back on you have to deal a part of problem number three.

Murder stairs. Yes. The stairs that shoot down into the basement lack the secure feeling of knowing no one is going to reach their hands through the slits and pull your legs out from under you causing you to smash your face into the edge of a wooden stairs, not only knocking you out but also getting small splinters into your face and if you think about this and lets face it i think we all are at this point splinters in a palm hurts enough i don't want any fucking splinters in my face. From that point on its up to your imagination really. Does the person in your basement at this point kill you or just steal your things or do other unspeakable acts to your unconscious body. really, you fill in the blanks. Also in the basement is a small furnace that opens up like you would put a miniature witch into, as well as a series of pipes that sound on the brink of bursting at all times of the day.

Also there is a door from the kitchen that leads to a three or four foot drop directly into the backyard. I want this to be a problem but actually it's pretty secure in that I can hardly open the door anyway, much less fall out of it. Plus there's a lock. Or something.

However, and the real issue at hand only seems to be an issue in the winter but this makes it no less real, the actual issue here is dangling from the trees outside of my home.

Icicles.

Today, still groggy from waking up at all and sad and angered by having to walk out into the chill frosted air that is Portland I chanced and looked up at the sky to shake my fist but met with the icy glare of icicles dangling precariously above me. As an Ohio bred child I don't understand why this was never a scary thing for me before, but as the wind picked up and the branches swayed I suddenly thought of the possibility of these cold knives slipping from branches and aiming their pointed glacial revenge straight for my ill equipped noggin. Global warming is no myth and I have no doubts that mother nature is a cruel cruel force indeed. For the rest of the walk to the bus stop I considered the fowl mess of blood and gore and bits of skull spent violently against the grey cracked sidewalks and feared for my life.

Over dramatic? Sure. But what's the harm in preparation.

Getting over it, I reached up and grabbed an icicle down and held it in my hand the rest of the way to the bus stop. As it melted in my hand I considered what a different place I find myself in now. That not only does water fall from the sky at all, it even hangs out for a while in a useful shiv format. Then, feeling a sudden rush of clue-like guilt I threw it to the street below and watched it crack into four distinct pieces. Already melting into non-existence.

There's a lot in a day guys.

A lot.