benders in my fender.

I started writing a story.

I started writing it for you, or at any rate what you represent to me because I will never meet you and you will never read it. I mean at least this time you're real and that makes this a little less "all in the head" sort of crazy but only marginally. I started writing it because you are the type of person I want to meet and I will never meet you by letting my eyes get bloodshot while staring at a computer. Although the ironic twist of this is that my eyes still get bloodshot by staring at the computer anyway but instead of doing dumb things that amount to nothing I write dumb things that will never be printed out.

Or at any rate I was going to. I had this whole story mapped out, even wrote a full page of it but then lost all my confidence. I mean where are you? Hell, where am I? Sitting behind this screen with its electric rays of light soaking into my skin and all I have to show for it is about 600 words that don't quite work with one another correctly and a world outside that I know nothing about. I feel desperate and overwhelmed. I keep thinking about escaping and then I think that writing is the solution for that and why else do most of the writers I love write. Yeah yeah to get some sort of point across maybe at times but maybe also just to put the blinders down and say fuck you to the world, I'll be somewhere else. Perhaps this works.

It's never quiet in this house. I walked in one day and they were shooting porn and I walk in at night and it's people rehearsing plays or at 4am people coming home and no one has ever heard of indoor voices here. Most of this wouldn't bother me if I could land a job that started me at 1pm again but it's all early jobs here.

Creditors are chasing me and I'm just not answering my phone. It's the same bullshit it always is. Pay this and this and this and this and this won't even make minimum but pay it anyway and later we'll just say you didn't so I guess this negotiation is null and void.

Yeah I guess I'll go work on that story now, thanks.